The size mindset 

This is a large shirt and size 12 shorts (Old Navy)

 

So yesterday I went shopping for clothes. Ok to be fair,  I’ve shopping more than yesterday, but this is about my mindset yesterday while shopping. I see the posts all the time in the weight loss community social media about how someone tried on clothes in a new size and couldn’t believe their newest size they fit into. I’ve posted the same post! However, in the back of my mind I had huge doubt about said size. Were the pants just stretchy? Can I trust Old Navy sizing?  Was the shirt cut big?  Everyone know a XL at Walmart isn’t the same size as an XL at Lane Bryant or Torrid. It’s a fact, they are different. So even though I “fit” into that “size”, can I really call myself  whatever said size might be? There is that doubt. I didn’t believe, I really didnt. Someone asked me my size and my go to was a larger size because of my fat brain. Or was it insecurity? I’m not sure.

Well yesterday I finally accepted that I am a size 12 pant and a large shirt. After trying on MANY different largess and size 12 pants, in MANY different stores, they all fit. They all weren’t flattering but they didn’t get stuck going over my head, seize up going over my boobs or need a few inches to get around  my mothers apron either. I can say with confidence I’m a large shirt and a 12 pant. Oh yeah!!!! ❤️

The sad part is, it’s been weeks! I just couldn’t let myself own it. That makes me sad. I shouldn’t need so much proof to celebrate such an accomplishment. That is something I’m gonna work on.

Another recent NSV are wearing a 38DD strapless bra from Victoria Secret all day without worrying that the girls were gonna fall out and never once did I need to readjust.

Weekend getaway — FL & GA

I love getaways! Well, I love travel in general and even more now that it’s not so uncomfortable. I fit into an airplane seat with room to spare and trecking through the airport with luggage is no longer a chore. So bring on the weekend jaunts to visit my bestie in Jacksonville.

This time we decided to visit Savannah GA while I was there on Saturday. It’s just an easy few hours drive up I95.

Friday we headed out to the Jacksonville beach for some sun. Mother Nature had other ideas and it rained, then it was just cloudy gross. I did manage to get my toes into the sand and find some amazing shells.

I collect shells from all of the beaches I visit. The larger ones get the city and date written in them.

After our short time at the beach, we caught up with another friend and headed out to dinner. Mexican on the beach, Flying Iguana. It doesn’t get any better than that. I had a few chips and some guacamole. Not on plan so much but I kept it to a minimum. I’m not going to stop living. Occasionally indulging with not so healthy foods is not going to derail me. I ordered a blackened shrimp taco, no shell. I ate two of the three pieces shrimp and passed the rest to my friends to enjoy.  After dinner we strolled around the beachfront shops.  It was nice to browse and get some additional steps in.

Saturday morning we gathered our things and headed out to Savannah.  I may be bias since I lived there for most of my adult life, but Savannah is one of my favorite cites.  From the cobblestone streets and historic district to the lazy laid back vibe.  Not to mention its just plain fucking cute. Once we arrived, we met up with an old friend of mine, Jamie.

Jamie and I, Lattes and a lemon bar to share, Yummies! and the salad I shared with Jen at lunch on Sat.

We had lunch at Colins Corner.  I shared a chicken salad with Jen (or Jen shared it with me LOL).  We did the touristy stuff. Had some great food and a wonderful time.  Best part is…. I kept going.  I didn’t need to stop, never ran out of energy or wanted to sit down.  My feet did hurt a bit on Sunday however, I think that might have something to do with my $1 Old Navy flip flops I wore.  Right, no wonder….

Here are more photos of the trip.

Saturday night we went to Club One to see the Drag show.. 

 

Dinner at Sorry Charlies. AMAZING oysters! Bottom left is crab cakes, top right is Ahi Tuna corndogs (gross)

 

This is the bestie trying raw oysters.  I love this face! 

 

 

We got some sweets from Chocolat on Broughton Street and I had to have some boiled peanuts. 

 

The top two are the view from our room.  The bottom left is Wormslow Historical site, and the bottom right is the Talmage Bridge connecting Savannah with South Carolina. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

June 10, 2005 – When I became forever changed

Today marks 12 years since I became a kidnap and rape survivor.  Even though I am a survivor, it changed who I was. Changed how I looked in the mirror, changed everything down to my core. Its been a long road to weeks and days without nightmares.

I won’t share any details here, today… maybe some other time.

Testifying was awful, however thanks to me sharing my story and not staying quiet, he is in prison FOR LIFE, without the possibility of parole.  He will NEVER be able to hurt another innocent young girl. EVER EVER EVER.  Maybe this is why??  Some people will understand this post, some won’t.  That’s okay, it’s not for you, it’s for me.

Love Tamaria

Goal #1

So… I am a very adventurous person, however my weight has hindered me from doing anything on my bucket list for many years. I wasn’t comfortable doing ANYTHING out of fear.  Fear of not fitting, fear of what people were saying behind my back, fear of people just seeing me.. you get the point.. Just plain old FEAR.  The only time I can remember having a semi normal BMI was when I was WAY too poor to do anything even remotely exciting.  Since graduating from college in my late 30s, getting a great job and moving to the Washington DC area, I have always been too big to take advantage of the more adventurous things I wanted to do and could finally afford.

First up on the bucket list was SKYDIVING!!

I was going to wait until my birthday in August to do it as a treat to myself, however once  get something in my head its hard to think about anything else (A Sea Doo is my current obsession. More on that in a later post).  I knew that I wasn’t over the weight limit anymore and I needed to get started on some of the fun stuff.  I couldn’t wait any longer.  When I brought it up at work one day to a co-worker, she said that she would love to go with me.  BOOM!!! We bought our tickets (Thanks Groupon) and booked a session for the weekend.

The days leading up to the jump were excruciating.  I was so excited I could barely stand it.  Folks would ask me if I was scared and my honest answer was no, none at all.  My desire to jump from a plane goes back so far I can’t even remember where the desire stemmed from.

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Driving out to the jump site took forever, it was way out there in the boondocks. When we arrived we had to wait around for a bit.  It seemed like they were behind.  There was a young man waiting before us.  Then there was another group that showed up shortly after us.  We watched as two younger girls landed in the field right outside of the hanger.  One of the instructors headed out to the plane with the young man and Randy (my tandum partner) stayed back with us.  He gave us brief instructions, got us in our harnesses and we waited some more. LOL.

The waiting was killing me.  I had to be patience all week, but now it was my time and I had to wait even longer.. it was WRONG, JUST WRONG.

Prior to our jump day it had rained pretty heavy, so we had to take a van to the another air strip that wasn’t flooded.. more wait time.  When we finally got to the plane (if you want to call it that. It was more like a toy with real engines)  we loaded up.  Seriously, you can only fit 5 people in there, the pilot, two instructors and two jumpers. There is not an inch of extra space.

I promise my feet where all the way up against the back of the plane and Randy is leaning against the pilots chair. Note that the pilot is wearing a parachute as well, LMAO.

Fat voice speaking here: In the picture, notice that I am gripping some sort of hinge. I am doing that so I don’t have to put all my weight on the person behind me. In my head,  I was thinking I was too heavy to lean on him.  sigh.. need to rid myself of the fat brain.

img_6744Getting out of the plane proved to be a bit more difficult than expected.  Since the plane was so tiny, you almost have to do yoga to contort your legs to get out of the door.  I bent them and made it thankfully.  A few months prior, I am not sure that I could have.  Once out the door I forgot everything that Randy had told me on the ground: Head back on his shoulder, kick him in the butt with my feet, smile, have fun…

 

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Me screaming “FUCK YEAH” while free falling!!

The rush was too much! I lost all track of thoughts and couldn’t believe it was finally happening… I was free falling from 10,000 feet.  The view was beyond words, even breath taking doesn’t do it justice.

 

 

 

 

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I did it, it was amazing, and yes I am going to do it again.. I can not wait.

 

Watch for me to fall out of a sky near you soon!!!

Catch up…. My surgery 3/14/2017

WARNING: There is a picture of the tummy they took out at the very bottom of this post.

Wow, its been a very long time since I have done any blogging.  SOOO much has happened.  My bestie, Love Jeni (you can find her blog here) has been urging me to blog more regular, but I find my self being out more and being active. I have less time in the house.  When I am having down time it tends to be consumed with Buggy, my granddaughter.  Not a bad place to be.  Let me see if I can catch up you up a bit on where I am:

Surgery went well!! Fabulous actually.  I had no complications and actually left the hospital a day early.  I was expecting to see some huge incisions on my stomach, however I only had these tiny pin holes.  The picture below shows two of my incisions.  There is another inside my belly button and one more to the far left. You can clearly see one in the middle left and the other is bottom right (close to the gown, to the right of the gauze)

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You can only see two of four incisions here. The tube is a pain medicine drip thingy? This is a few hours post op

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Here is my belly button. A few hours post op

I will have to blog later about the only hick-up to my prefect pre-surgery plan. That deserves its own place in my blogging history.

The nurses kept the pain meds steady and were really great.  They were sweet and helpful.  They made me get up to use the restroom and to walk around.  I have to admit I just wanted to sleep but its important to walk around to avoid blood clotting.

When I got home all I wanted to do was sleep for the first few days. Sleep and fluids.  The pain pump was awful and made it difficult to sleep.  I was fearful of pulling it out. Other than that it was really uneventful.  I was expecting much worse.  After 3 or 4 days I was able to sleep on my side with a pillow for support against my tummy.

After about 3 days I was feeling about normal.  Aside from being slightly tired, I didn’t feel bad at all.  I only took 10 days off of work.  When it was time to return I was ready, I felt fine.  I worked half days for two weeks, however I think I could have worked full-time.  I have a desk job and am free to get up and walk around at my leisure.

I am going to try to post more today on what I have been up to, eating and just general where I am at.  I am feeling neglectful of my promise to myself to document things as they happen.  I could use your help keeping me accountable. Let me know what and how I can better this blog.. aside from posting more, LMAO.

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This is the piece of my tummy they took out.

In the photo to the right, you can see the stitching that they did.  My surgeon told me that they use titanium staples.  They will be inside me forever, but assured me that I wont set of metal detectors at the airport. Scar tissue forms over the staples so the ends don’t remain sharp. I am happy to answer any questions you may have.

Shit just got real

Just about 16 days to surgery.. Hummm. that was surprisingly hard to type, which is the equivalent of saying it out loud.  The road to WLS (weight loss surgery) is a long one. I don’t think there is a different type of surgery that requires so much pre-op time and tasks (Maybe sex change surgery?).  It is incredibly emotional to get close to the surgery process.  There are several months soul-searching, logging food, exercising, doctors appointments and testing.  Navigating through that process is almost a full-time job.  The job I happily signed up for because I didn’t get to the point that I needed WLS by being diligent about what I put in my mouth and exercising regularly (or should I say at all).  So basically,  brought all this on myself, there is no one to blame.  I get that, understand it and put in the work.  With that confession being said……. Shit 16 more days……..

I am I ready for a complete and utter life style change….. ABSOFUCKINGLUTELY!!! So ready that I started early.  I’m the kind of person who goes in head first, drinks all the kool aid, the challenge consumes me.  Lets look at the 5Ks.  I got it in my head that I was going to walk and do 5Ks. So… I challenged myself to 6 5Ks in the year 2017 and completely running one.  —-> Drank all the kool aid:

January – Signed up for 3 5Ks for the beginning of the year and completed 100 walking miles by Jan 31st for my Run the Year team.  (complete 2017 mile in 2017)

February – Competed first 5K of year and set a new PR  (shaved on 5 mins), signed up for a few more 5K races, and signed up for a slew of virtual 5Ks (I lost count). Additionally,  I am within 7 miles of completing my 100 miles in Feb goal with two and a half days to go.

Folk this is only a few months in.  I have changed the way I look at food by paying lots of attention to ingredints and macro nutrients. I am not eating completely clean but that will change as I am allowed to introduce whole foods back into my diet.  What ever I have been doing has been working. I am down more that 30 lbs since October 26th, the first day I was weighed at the bariatic center.  Its pretty exciting that I am in a size 16 pant from a 20.  It is not exciting that my boobs are melting away.. I liked those. Oh well..Ill take it. The hard part is I dont see the changes.  In my eyes I am still the same size, even though I see that my clothes dont fit.  Its a terrible mind fuck and it is something that I will have to work on.

PS.  I know that I am missing lots of details of how I got to 16 days but to be honest the last month and a half have been out of control busy.  I am never still long enough to get my thought down on the computer.. Once the train really got running I couldnt stop it.  I promise I will update soon on the last of my appointments, pre-op appts, submission and approval.

 

 

 

 

 

The January EGD ✔️

The EGD experience was the most anti climatic experience this far. I have not been under anesthesia in more than 20 years. I’ve only had one hospital stay in those same twenty years (and that was only for an out of control ear infection. I’m a relatively healthy person (if you don’t include the obese part).

After waiting for an hour for them to call my name, we went to the back for all the pre op information they want. I should add that they gave me papers that HAD to be brought with me to the hospital that the nurse told me she didn’t need. While back there answered health related questions, etc  they required me to pay my portion of my deductible. I left there $1,118 poorer.

My question here is what if I didn’t have it that day, would they have sent me home. What if you’re self pay? Are there payment plans?

Anyway, the nurse was unable to find a vein in my hand so it went into the back of my forearm. No shock here. My vines don’t like needles. Then after some awkward jokes that fall out of my mouth when I’m nervous, they rolled me back to my dr. The put something in my mouth to keep it open, places an oxygen mask on my face and that’s all I remember. Next thing I know I’m in post op with my friend asking me how it went. Good I guess. In total the procedure too 10-15 minutes.

That was it. 5 mins later I was wheeled out to the car with instructions not to drive, sign any legal papers, or take my dog out.  Apparently, you’re legally drunk for 12 hours after. Hummm. Good sleep, drunk without a hangover, anesthesia could be better than chocolate.

I did however get all call a few days later letting my know that the biopsy they did came back and I have H. Pylori and acid reflux. WTF. I was fine before. Oh well. They called me in a few prescriptions and I have to follow up in 14 when I’m done for a breath test to see if it’s gone.

 

This box is so FREAKIN heavy

 

I am an Amazon shopper, I confess. I probably go to amazon at least 3x’s a day.  Naturally, when Jen (One of the most fantabulous people on the planet. Her blog is Here) told me that I needed to invest in some kettle bells, I went to amazon to order.

My desire was to find pink ones…. but settled on 2 black ones.  One is 10 lbs and the other is 15 lbs.  –> Note to self to make the office/spare bedroom more exercise roomish<–. I was so excited to get them in the mail.  I enjoyed the kettle bell portion of Jen’s personal training session back in the day. Yep, that is how we met if I didn’t mention it before.

We were out exploring and shopping over the holidays when I got the notice on my phone that they had been delivered to my door.  WHOOP! WHOOP.. The only thing that could have made it better was if they were pink. Okay, enough with the pink, I heard ya.

When we got home I attempted to move the box from in front of the door with my foot, but it didn’t budge and it kinda hurt my foot.  I hurried around the box to put down my packages and went to retrieve it from the doorway.  When I bent down to pick it up, I remember thinking “CRAP, this box is FREAKIN heavy”. I almost left it and asked my father to come and pick it up. Lazy, yes I know.

I unpacked it and put them in a temporary home until I could decide on where they should live forever, or at least until the morning.  When I crawled into bed later I still had the gitty feeling when you’re super excited about something.  AND THEN IT HIT ME!! That box was 25 lbs. I have lost 25 lbs.

That box represented what I have lost up until that point in time.  HOLY SHIT.  How was I carrying that around with me, all day, everyday?  I look in the mirror and can’t see the 25 lbs and I am guessing it will be that way for a while.  Others tell me they can see it however, I suspect that they are just being nice.

SIDE NOTE:  The weigh in from the photo above is from my last NUT appt, 3 of 3 completed.  I keep my doctor’s office weigh inns on a separate app then my daily (yes, I weigh in daily).  It’s easy to do since the dailies sync with my fitbit. My EGD is 1/13 and Psyc appt on 1/31, then submit to insurance.  From my estimate I should have surgery sometime end of Feb or beg of March.. WHOOP! WHOOP!

 

 

 

 

 

It’s here. ITS HERE!! ❤️️❤️️

Finally 2017 is here and Day one is in the books. So long 2016 and all the drama and heartache you brought with you.

I walked first thing in the am so I could log in my miles for 2017 miles in 2017. I am a part of a four woman team called #fabfocusedfour. We all signed up with Run the Edge to collectively complete 2017 miles within the year. That means I need to do 9 miles per week. Easy peasy.

Let me digress for one second:

Y’all!! My team leader is my ride or die friend Jen. I pray that y’all have someone cheering you on like she does for me. She is my biggest chearleader, my nutrition checker, my inspiration and more than anything is my heart ❤️. She has been through some shitty things  but remains to be, without a doubt, one of the strongest, most positive  women (actually person) I know.

I was lucky enough to have her spend 2015 Christmas and New Years with me:

That is us right before the 2016 turkey trot (she drug me to).

She just completed her first half marathon in Dec and I’m so extremely proud of her. You can check out her journey here. It’s a must read, must follow blog. Trust me when I say you might need a tissue. You can thank me later. #fuckcancer #livingwithgraves

Okay where was I?? Oh right. Day 1 of 2017. Logged some miles then off to lunch with the family who are still in town. Then it was a pretty lazy afternoon working on my Happy Planner and sticker book.


There was a late evening trip to Wally World for some supplies (and more discounted Christmas wrapping supplies) ( have I mentioned how much I love a bargain)

Do you have mileage goals for 2017 or a Happy Planner?